A
History of the Hampton Amateur Theatre Society (HATS)
1780
Jean Latrine, the accomplished French playwright and the
founding member of HATS is born.
1801
Peterborough
plans it's epic expansion of the South Bank area with a series of
artist impressions shown in the Evening Telegraph
1805
Jean Latrine writes his memorable work 'Les Liaisons
Dangereuses Deux Les Sequel'
1810
Upsets Napoleon Bonaparte at the premiere of his highly
self obsessed play 'Jean Latrine: My Struggle With
Incontinence'. The play lasts for 63 hours.
1811
Jean Latrine becomes the first and only Frenchman to be
dropped off at the Norman Cross Prisoner of War Camp by his own
countrymen
1813 Jean Latrine
decides to form an
amateur theatrical
society
1813 (tea
time)
Committee meet to decide on name. A brawl breaks out when
the group opt for the name 'Chapeaus'
while Jean Latrine favours his own title of 'The Jean Latrine
All-Star Ensemble Troop featuring Jean Latrine'
1813
(supper time)
During the brawl 11 men are killed. To escape retribution
from the guards Jean Latrine feigns death for 2 years.
1814 Peterborough opens up first kebab shop
1815
The war with Napoleon ends and all the prisoners are
freed. Unfortunately Jean Latrine misses the boat home due to
him still being 'dead'
1816 Decides to start up a one-man travelling theatre group
and adopt the original committee’s suggestion of 'chapeaus'
1819 Puts on his first play in Stilton. The play entitled
'Henry V Was A Big Girl’s Blouse' does not go down
well with the locals
1820 He follows it up with his powerful
and disturbing look at the Norman Conquest, 'Hey, You Could
Have Had Someone’s Eye Out With That'
1821 Peterborough’s first kebab shop closes
1825 After a bitter feud with his publishers takes control of
his own scripts and publishes them on his own web site. 150
years before the invention of the internet.
1867 While performing in one of his classic shows,
'Bloody Hell, It's Flat Here', he Meets Sir Wilbur Hatton-Coat one of
Yaxley's richest men who made his millions selling fur coats made
from gerbil pelt
1868 Sir Wilbur agrees to fund future 'Chapeaus'
productions
1885 Peterborough plans
it's epic expansion of the South Bank
area with a series of artist impressions shown in the Evening
Telegraph
1895 Jean Latrine finally
dies when, after upsetting the local farmers with his comedy 'You
Only Sing When You’re Shearing', he was hit by a
live cow which was catapulted onto the stage. Jean Latrine was a
true professional to the end. He refused to die until he
received the reviews in the Evening Telegraph the next day,
which ironically proved to be his best review. An excerpt from
the publication read, “once again Monsieur Latrine was a
complete embarrassment, his piece de resistance however was a
flying cow which proved to be an overwhelming success”!
1895 Kebab shop reopens under new management
1896 Sir Wilbur takes over the running of the group and
decides to call 'Chapeaus' by its English translation of HATS.
1897 Sir Wilbur Hatton-Coat decides to invest in the railways.
He produces a master plan for Yaxley, in which the Owen Pooley
railway station is the main link between the north and the
south.
1898 Being a shrewd business man he decides that if he makes
his track 10 inches narrower it will save himself 600 thousand
pounds
1899 No one uses his track as it is too narrow. Sir Wilbur
loses 800 thousand pounds.
1900 (first
thing)
Sir Wilbur declares the residents of
Peterborough with there fancy wide track an enemy of his and
refuses to put anymore shows on there.
1900
(brunch)
Nobody
notices.
1901 Kebab shop closed down by the environmental health
authority
1902 Sir Wilbur converts The Owen Pooley Railway
Station into
the Owen Pooley Hall and uses it for all future HATS
productions.
1905 Sir Wilbur travels to London to put together the finest
acting team ever assembled, with the sole aim of entertaining the
residents of Yaxley.
1906 Sir Wilbur returns from London unable to find the finest
acting team ever assembled with the sole aim of entertaining the
residents of Yaxley.
1907 Sir Wilbur returns to London and picks up any old
rubbish.
1908 Peterborough plans
it's epic expansion of the South Bank
area with a series of artist impressions shown in the Evening
Telegraph.
1911 Sir Wilbur discovers all of Jean Latrines back catalogue
of over 3000 plays. He decides to put on a performance of his
best work, which lasts for well over 12 minutes. Unfortunately,
the performance is poorly attended with only two farmers, 4
sheep and a llama in the audience.
1912 In an act of defiance, Sir Wilbur declared that the area
doesn’t deserve such a grand theatre and actors, and decides to
take the entire company to America to expose them to the works
of Jean Latrine. Unfortunately, one of the more talented actors
in the group, George Spelvin, couldn’t go on the trip as his
mum said he was having his tea.
1912 Always extravagant, Sir Wilbur took the entire cast and
crew on the most luxurious liner of its day. He said they all
deserved the best and wanted them in tip-top form when they
reached America.
1912 When news of the Titanic sinking reached Yaxley, a day of
mourning was announced. Unfortunately, many of the locals assumed
this was a day of mornings and in tragic circumstances 13 of
them died after eating 27 full English breakfasts.
1916 Peterborough plans its epic expansion of the
South Bank
area with a series of artist impressions shown in the Evening
Telegraph
1921 George Spelvin, being the only remaining member of HATS,
decides to reform the group. He decides to bring together the
best actors, to revamp the theatre and to scour the land for the
best scripts. But his mum told him not to be silly and go and
eat his tea..
1922 The
llama who attended the show in 1911 was inspired by
the whole theatre experience and travelled to London. Over the
next ten years he became one of the greatest llamas ever to
grace the West End. His finest work was his performances in
Oscar Wilde classics 'A Llama Of No Importance', 'The
Importance Of Being A Llama” and “The
Picture of Dorian Llama”. By the age of 27 he had
entered the political scene and was elected Member of Parliament
for Peterborough. Politically he could do no wrong and was
tipped to be the next prime minister. Unfortunately, he became
involved in a 'cash for grass' scandal, which brought his political
career to an end. He died 3 years later, a broken llama. A
memorial now stands outside the Theatre Royal, Drury Lane with the
simple inscription “he came; he saw; he crapped on the
carpet”
1923
(May)
All new Llama Kebab shop opens in Peterborough
1923
(June)
Llama Kebab shop closes due to lack of llamas
1939 Germany
declares war on Yaxley. Fortunately nobody in
Yaxley speaks German so they don’t realise.
1940
(about 6ish)
The Owen Pooley Hall is bombed
1940
(about 10ish)
Yaxley
declares war on Germany
1942 HATS are closed down when, during the blackout, they hold
their light and firework festival to raise money for the group.
1945 The War ends. The residents hold a council meeting and
decide to accept Germanys unconditional surrender. Providing it
pays for the damage to the Owen Pooley Hall roof and to promise
not to do anything naughty like that again.
1946 A committee meeting was held and the overall opinion
decided that the history of Hampton has gone on to long. They
felt it started of promising enough but by the time the llama
entered it really had gone astray. It was therefore decided to
disband HATS and reform in about 60 year’s time. Thus giving
people a chance to nip to the toilet before the show starts.
1946 HATS
disband
1980 In an inspired move Wilbur
Hatton-Coats great-great-grandson 'Woolly' buys the land to the east of
Norman Cross,
with the intention of setting up a llama sanctuary. He calls it
Hampton which is Peruvian for 'Home of the Llama'.
1983 The great crested newt is discovered on the land. This
turns out to be a predator of the llamas. Within 3 months the
llamas have been wiped out.
1989 'Woolly' decides the best use for the land is for
housing. The development of the Hampton Township begins.
1992
The land to the west of Hampton Hargate is declared a
nature reserve, enabling the great crested newt to live in a
protected environment.
1993 Llamas the world over are outraged at the preferential
treatment giving to the great crested newts. A memorial day is
held on the 10th anniversary of the great Hampton
llama massacre.
2005 Whilst surfing the internet (dial up of course) a
resident of Hampton came across Jean Latrines 150 year old web
site.
Is
anyone still actually reading this rubbish?
He became fascinated
with all things Jean Latrine and decided to reform HATS. After a
committee meeting lasting 17 hours, which saw the consumption of
235 pints of beer, 87 whiskeys, 8 bottles of red wine and a
packet of nuts, half the group wanted to call the group the Hampton Amateur Theatre Society. The other half wanted to
call the group by its original title of HATS. As a compromise they decided to call it
HATS on the
understanding that the letters actually stood for Hampton
Amateur Theatre Society. This was agreed.
It was also decided
that all the performances should take place in the Owen Pooley
Hall. This was because of two important reasons.
1. It was the historic
and spiritual home of HATS. It had bore witness to some of
literature’s greatest work. It had become the focal point for
the local community. It had brought laughter to the community
when all around was in despair.
2.
and for eight quid an hour it was bloody cheap
2005 It was decided that they would only perform original Jean
Latrine scripts. The 200 year old scripts were brought out and
carefully read through one at a time. Unfortunately, they were
crap so they didn’t bother.
And so on the 22nd
October 2005 history was made when HATS put on their first
performance for over 60 years. They performed 'Holiday Confusion'
to a sell out crowd.
2005
Peterborough plans its epic expansion of the South
Bank
area with a series of artist impressions shown in the Evening
Telegraph
2006 They perform their new show
'Oh, What A Life!' at the
Owen Pooley Hall and dedicate it to Jean Latrine who made it all
possible.
Click
here to see Jean Latrine on myspace
Lovingly
researched by His Worship, the very reverend Rt. Hon. Kevin
Hughes MBE, VD, OAP, B&Q, MRSA, © 2006. Checked for
grammatical errors over the course of 3 weeks, 15 hours, 6
minutes and 43 seconds by HATS Secretary.
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